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Quietness is not a bad thing

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As an introvert I have found that a lot of people will often times equate silence for something “wrong” or worrying. Being quiet is not a bad thing. It doesn’t mean that someone is upset or feeling downcast in some way.

This is just how some people function. Much like an extrovert cannot help but fill the silence, introverts cannot help being quiet. It is something we do to regulate ourselves when our social battery is low.

Quietness is tranquil, it is not a signifier of something awry.

Sometimes we may still end up overthinking someone’s quietness. Especially when it is sudden or uncharacteristic of them. Being able to communicate that to people can help overcome those anxieties surrounding quietness.

Before asking, always make sure to practice discernment. Is this person usually quiet in the mornings? Rather than overthinking about the less than energetic vibes they give off after a party or work, ask yourself if it is usual for them. They may need a moment to recharge and will return to conversate when they are ready.

Voice your concerns to them if you feel it is something serious.

Of course there are instances where the quietness is not usual for that particular person. It is then encouraged to communicate how you feel towards them. Hey, I noticed you have been so quiet lately, do you want to talk about anything? This can help the person confide in you if something is wrong.

At the end of the day, quietness is not something that should be assumed as a bad thing. Everyone has their quiet moments, and we all have our more noisy moments as well. Being able to understand the difference between peace and noise can bring strength to our relationships. Knowing when to ask and knowing when to let people be and enjoy the quietness with them.

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Relationships

What good can come from a white lie?

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Do you ever think of yourself as an honest person? Someone who always tells the truth regardless of what may happen? Just by asking yourself that question alone, you may have thought of instances where you may have told a white lie.

What is a white lie?

A white lie is a lie about something small or unimportant to avoid hurting another person.* For those who try their best to be as honest as possible, this may seem unthinkable. However, you may not even notice you create white lies all the time.

One example I noticed is when a friend and I went to try out a new restaurant. After sitting down to order some food, my friend told me he did not find it very good. The owner of the restaurant came to our table to ask us how we liked the food. Without missing a beat, my friend told him it was very good!

Confused by this lie, I listened to them conversate and then afterwards asked why he lied. He told me that he wanted to make that man’s day. The owner had come to our table happily asking us what we thought and instead of giving blunt feedback, he was given reassurance in that moment.

When is it necessary to lie?

You would likely answer never. It is never okay to lie. What about a white lie? As we defined above, these lies are used to avoid hurting someone else. For my friend, he chose to do this to avoid hurting the restaurant owner’s feelings. Instead, he chose to make a negative food experience into a positive one by offering words of encouragement to someone else.

Maybe it wasn’t true but it was kind. Spreading kindness whenever you can, is what may constitute a reason to let a white lie slip. Even though we may not be truthful in that moment, would it really be so terrible to spare someone’s feelings and make their day a little brighter?

If the lie creates more good than bad, wouldn’t that be reason enough to tell it? So what good can from a white lie? The goodness comes from making someone happy, by spreading kindness, and by being good to those who are out there at least trying.

*White lie definition

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/white%20lie

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Life, Relationships

How to choose happiness every day

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I had a conversation with someone close to me who recounted about a loved one who is going through a hard time. They told me that they are feeling unhappy with where they are in life and that they are unhappy with themselves and their choices. It was hard to hear, especially when the news is about a loved one.

I thought about the ways I could help them. I thought of giving them a huge spiel about how great they are. How it doesn’t do well to dwell on past mistakes. I wanted to give them a little light to take them out of that dark place. This is what I planned to say to them.

Happiness isn’t just handed to you, you have to choose it.

I am a firm believer in the ability to find happiness in anything or any situation. You cannot simply wait for something to happen that will give you happiness. If you tell yourself, Oh, I’ll be happy once I do ___ or when I have ___I will finally be happy. Happiness is not found in objects or constructs. Happiness starts with you.

It’s okay to strive for the things that you feel will truly make you happy. However, you cannot rest your happiness on whether they will come or not. By doing so, you delay your own happiness. You have to choose to be happy every day. It can be easy to when you practice gratitude or indulge in the people, places, or experiences that provide that happiness.

Happiness is not just a feeling, it’s a mindset.

Have you ever met people that just exude unbridled joy? Their presence seemed to fill the whole room with a positive feeling, and you found yourself catching secondhand happiness? Well, guess what. Their lives aren’t perfect. No one’s is! They aren’t happy because they have everything they want, they are happy because they choose to be.

Instead of falling back into negative emotions, thoughts, or situations. Practice steering your thoughts in a positive direction by looking for the good. You missed your bus? Ah, it happens, you just have to catch the next one. You failed a test? That’s okay, just review and do better next time. Someone is making you feel awful? Let them go, and remember the people that cherish you.

Of course, some situations can be truly upsetting. It’s important to find a good support system if you believe you need it. Seek enriching activities that will improve a positive mindset and tend to your mental health. We all have our own daily battles, but don’t forget to look for the good and choose the path of joy. It may take a couple tries, but soon being happy won’t just be a choice, it’ll be your default setting.

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Life, Self Care

How to help people (in the best way possible)

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Awhile ago, I was reading an article in The New York Times* that made me think about the way people react to the problems presented to them. This is specifically referring to when a person is venting their frustrations to you and you find yourself either doing one of two things. Finding solutions or giving comfort.

For some, finding a solution is much more of an appropriate response to someone venting whereas others tend to extend comfort by offering to listen. You may have already figured out which kind you are. While it is great to offer solutions or comfort, it is important to always ask the person who is presenting the problem what they want in that moment.

To some people, they don’t want to hear solutions, they want to feel comforted and heard. While others try to find solutions to fix the problems they struggle with. By asking people if they want advice or comfort, you will be able to help them better in that moment.

What about if you are the one with the problem?

If you are the one conferring with others about a problem you are having and instead of being given what you need in that moment you are getting something else, consider simply telling the person what you need. Hey, I have a problem with ___ can you give me some advice? Or, ___ happened today, I don’t need advice but I just want to talk about it. Do not be afraid of communicating your needs!

Similarly, sometimes it’s hard for some people to give you what you want in that moment. Figuring out how to identify which role a person is able to fill when you need solutions or a hug can also allow your relationships to flow more naturally.

Communicating what you need and what you are being asked for, will help you navigate those tough conversations. Remember, the main goal is to walk away feeling like something was achieved to soothe those worries so that you will feel lighter than you did before.

*Link to The New York Times article https://www.nytimes.com/2023/04/07/well/emotions-support-relationships.html

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Life, Relationships

Why life needs to fall apart for it to get better

2 Comments / Life, Self Care / /

Have you ever had a really bad day? Where it felt like everything that could go wrong, did?

I had one of those exact days a while ago. It felt like the universe seemed to have it out for me. Chances are you have thought similarly when things go left. Why me? We tend to ask ourselves. The problem with that sort of thinking is one of two reasons. First, is believing that you are at fault for the things you cannot change. Second, is believing you are the only person in the world who has ever had such a rough day.

Nothing is wrong with you.

I want to preface this topic by saying that. Nothing is wrong with you! Sometimes life happens, and it may happen to us at the most inopportune moments. Maybe we had a lot of hope or expectations that were completely destroyed with just a few words or actions. It doesn’t mean we should beat ourselves up over it. My motto is, is to never think of the “should have’s” or the “would not’s”. It’s best not to regret the path you have chosen but instead, to work with what you got. We can’t change our past or what happens to us, all we can do is to change how we think about where we are at in our present moments.

Remember, life gets us all.

It’s very easy to feel defeated by life’s hurdles and it’s perfectly okay to cry, rant, or break a plate or two about it. However, just know that even if things seem to be falling apart everywhere you look, just know you will get through this. There was a time where you felt at peace before the big bad day, and there will be a time of peace after. We get through these tough times one day at a time. It may feel like there is no end in sight, but the end will come. Sometimes things fall apart around us so that we may be able to learn from our experiences. Sometimes it makes us learn things about ourselves as well.

The good ending.

Think of your most worst days, your worst moments. That painful break up, a fight between friends, when you broke your arm, etc. It felt terrible in the moment but sooner or later the pain subsided. You became whole again, your previous worries all but dissipated. That is what will happen after your bad day. Whatever happened, it won’t hurt as much in one week, 3 months, or 10 years from now. So don’t worry about your current pain, it is only here temporarily. It is okay to let yourself cry and fall apart just for a moment, prolonging it will only stunt your ability to move past it. That is what we need to do, so that we may get to the good ending.

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Life, Self Care