Relationships

Quietness is not a bad thing

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As an introvert I have found that a lot of people will often times equate silence for something “wrong” or worrying. Being quiet is not a bad thing. It doesn’t mean that someone is upset or feeling downcast in some way.

This is just how some people function. Much like an extrovert cannot help but fill the silence, introverts cannot help being quiet. It is something we do to regulate ourselves when our social battery is low.

Quietness is tranquil, it is not a signifier of something awry.

Sometimes we may still end up overthinking someone’s quietness. Especially when it is sudden or uncharacteristic of them. Being able to communicate that to people can help overcome those anxieties surrounding quietness.

Before asking, always make sure to practice discernment. Is this person usually quiet in the mornings? Rather than overthinking about the less than energetic vibes they give off after a party or work, ask yourself if it is usual for them. They may need a moment to recharge and will return to conversate when they are ready.

Voice your concerns to them if you feel it is something serious.

Of course there are instances where the quietness is not usual for that particular person. It is then encouraged to communicate how you feel towards them. Hey, I noticed you have been so quiet lately, do you want to talk about anything? This can help the person confide in you if something is wrong.

At the end of the day, quietness is not something that should be assumed as a bad thing. Everyone has their quiet moments, and we all have our more noisy moments as well. Being able to understand the difference between peace and noise can bring strength to our relationships. Knowing when to ask and knowing when to let people be and enjoy the quietness with them.

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Relationships

What good can come from a white lie?

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Do you ever think of yourself as an honest person? Someone who always tells the truth regardless of what may happen? Just by asking yourself that question alone, you may have thought of instances where you may have told a white lie.

What is a white lie?

A white lie is a lie about something small or unimportant to avoid hurting another person.* For those who try their best to be as honest as possible, this may seem unthinkable. However, you may not even notice you create white lies all the time.

One example I noticed is when a friend and I went to try out a new restaurant. After sitting down to order some food, my friend told me he did not find it very good. The owner of the restaurant came to our table to ask us how we liked the food. Without missing a beat, my friend told him it was very good!

Confused by this lie, I listened to them conversate and then afterwards asked why he lied. He told me that he wanted to make that man’s day. The owner had come to our table happily asking us what we thought and instead of giving blunt feedback, he was given reassurance in that moment.

When is it necessary to lie?

You would likely answer never. It is never okay to lie. What about a white lie? As we defined above, these lies are used to avoid hurting someone else. For my friend, he chose to do this to avoid hurting the restaurant owner’s feelings. Instead, he chose to make a negative food experience into a positive one by offering words of encouragement to someone else.

Maybe it wasn’t true but it was kind. Spreading kindness whenever you can, is what may constitute a reason to let a white lie slip. Even though we may not be truthful in that moment, would it really be so terrible to spare someone’s feelings and make their day a little brighter?

If the lie creates more good than bad, wouldn’t that be reason enough to tell it? So what good can from a white lie? The goodness comes from making someone happy, by spreading kindness, and by being good to those who are out there at least trying.

*White lie definition

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/white%20lie

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Life, Relationships

How to help people (in the best way possible)

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Awhile ago, I was reading an article in The New York Times* that made me think about the way people react to the problems presented to them. This is specifically referring to when a person is venting their frustrations to you and you find yourself either doing one of two things. Finding solutions or giving comfort.

For some, finding a solution is much more of an appropriate response to someone venting whereas others tend to extend comfort by offering to listen. You may have already figured out which kind you are. While it is great to offer solutions or comfort, it is important to always ask the person who is presenting the problem what they want in that moment.

To some people, they don’t want to hear solutions, they want to feel comforted and heard. While others try to find solutions to fix the problems they struggle with. By asking people if they want advice or comfort, you will be able to help them better in that moment.

What about if you are the one with the problem?

If you are the one conferring with others about a problem you are having and instead of being given what you need in that moment you are getting something else, consider simply telling the person what you need. Hey, I have a problem with ___ can you give me some advice? Or, ___ happened today, I don’t need advice but I just want to talk about it. Do not be afraid of communicating your needs!

Similarly, sometimes it’s hard for some people to give you what you want in that moment. Figuring out how to identify which role a person is able to fill when you need solutions or a hug can also allow your relationships to flow more naturally.

Communicating what you need and what you are being asked for, will help you navigate those tough conversations. Remember, the main goal is to walk away feeling like something was achieved to soothe those worries so that you will feel lighter than you did before.

*Link to The New York Times article https://www.nytimes.com/2023/04/07/well/emotions-support-relationships.html

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Life, Relationships

How to know when it’s time to let go

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Sometimes it’s hard to let go of the things that you feel were close to your heart at some point in your life. Whether it is memories or a person, finding the strength to let go can be challenging. It’s challenging for a variety of reasons. Maybe you just aren’t ready to, maybe holding on to what you know is often comforting. For a lot of people sudden change is scary. However, sometimes change is for the best.

Recognize the endings in your life.

Yes, you read that correctly. Recognize that some things have to end. You may want to deny it, run away, or even hide from that realization, but what you need to understand is that you are letting go of something or someone for a reason. It’s probably the hardest thing to do in the moment. So hard, you can’t even fathom attempting to. Recognizing is your first step. Your first step to letting go.

How to proceed (with caution)

So you understand that letting go is necessary. You begin to allow yourself to take a moment to remember and like leaves in the wind, the memories fly. Some scatter away, lost to the great unknown, and others litter your path. You might step on a couple as you continue down your own path. A slight crunch, might make you remember again. What’s important is to keep walking. Keep going down your path, it’s okay to stop and remember (healing and letting go takes time) but always continue forward.

Remember: We don’t live in the past. We only look back when we need motivation to carry us forward.

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Life, Relationships

Why the love you give to yourself fulfills happiness

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Days like Valentine’s Day usually call upon people to spend a little extra time on the people they care about. The holiday is usually equated with couple buying flowers, chocolates, and gifts to one another. Over the years Valentine’s Day has shifted to the love that comes from familiar and unexpected places. It can be celebrated with family, friends, pets, or even that stranger you smile to at the grocery store.

Love should be celebrated

For whatever reason, we may find ourselves not being able to celebrate the big day in the way we would have wanted. Maybe we’ve lost someone, had a friendship break up, estranged from family, or have been single for quite some time. Your reasons are yours to keep. However, it doesn’t mean that we can’t find our own small ways to celebrate the joy of love. Love should be celebrated in any capacity and sometimes the love we find is right under our nose the whole time. It says, “Here I am, it’s me!” and you find yourself thinking, did that come from me? Why yes it did.

Celebrate Yourself

When we celebrate ourselves and the love we hold for our own being we find happiness. The things you would want from other people can be given to yourself. Want flowers? Go buy those flowers. Want care and attention? Schedule a self care day and dedicate the whole day to you. You will find that once you start building a relationship with your own self, the love you give to others will now be treasured by you. You will be giving and receiving, and being able to partake in both can spark happiness. Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be about spending the day with another person, especially when it may not be an option at the moment, you can focus inwards and give the love you would have given to yourself.

We are all trying to love and be loved in some way. The love you have for you is something that will not change. It goes with you wherever you go, and grows when you water it. Give yourself credit for the love you give and the love you deserve. Gift it to yourself and watch as you find confidence and radiance in its glow.

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Relationships